


Wherever We Go

by renee_wvlker



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: F/F, Referenced Eating disorder, background Andreil, background kevin/thea, i don't care what nora says, pro exy player allison
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24439759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renee_wvlker/pseuds/renee_wvlker
Summary: When they graduate, Allison signs with the Houston Sirens and Renee signs up for the Peace Corps. Neither of them expect long distance to be this hard.
Relationships: Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker (All For The Game)
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by that scene in Call Down The Hawk where Adam comes to visit Ronan but can only stay for a few hours. It's also the first time I've ever written fanfiction so be kind!

_ Day 3 _

Tonight’s game had been the first time in forever that Allison hadn’t been able to celebrate with Renee. The Houston Sirens had won 9-5, Allison's second game and first win with the team, but she still felt hollow. Alvarez had run over to hug her tightly, and the rest of the team had converged on them soon after, but even that hadn’t been enough to lift Allison’s mood. The only thing that would have helped would be Renee, her infectious laugh, her excitement, her lips.

Allison had plastered a smile on her face and pretended she was just as happy as the rest of them.

It was supposed to be her tackling the press after the game today, but she shook her head when Thea walked towards her and left the court alone. She was the first one in the locker room, so she took her time showering, scrubbing her skin angrily and watching it bloom red beneath her fingers. 

Allison left the shower and dressed in a skintight dress and six inch heels. She was applying a generous coat of red lipstick when the rest of the team entered the locker room.

The Sirens were a rarity in the Exy world in that they had a nearly equal number of men and women on their team. It was working, too; they were currently fourth place in the league and climbing. The only downside, Allison felt, was that the locker room was far too crowded.

Alvarez shot her a concerned look, brow furrowed and lips downturned. Allison returned it with a killer smile, put her lipstick away, and picked up her bag.

“Good game, all,” she said, and turned to leave. Zarmina stopped her before she reached the door.

“Not coming to the after party?” she asked. She also had that horrible concerned look on her face, like she pitied Allison but was too afraid to say anything. More than anything, Allison wanted Dan or Matt or Renee to be here, to actually ask what was up rather than dancing around the subject.

It had been six weeks since she’d joined the Sirens, and while she knew a few of them fairly well and was friendly enough with all of them, they weren't the Foxes. Usually, she wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to get dressed up and then get absolutely plastered, but more and more she’d been wanting to just stay at home. Was this what getting older felt like?

Allison didn’t answer, just pushed past Zarmina, opened the door, and stalked off. She wondered if Alvarez would say something, explain that Renee had left for the first time and Allison was alone. She was the only one of them (except maybe Thea - Allison had no idea what Kevin had told her) that knew about the two of them anyway, the only one that knew that Renee was in the Peace Corps. That this was the first time they’d properly be apart in over five years. That she had only spent three days alone and was already losing her mind. That she would be gone for more than two years.

It took Allison only half an hour to reach their apartment, which had been a compromise between her desire to get the most fucking expensive apartment in the city, and Renee’s sensible suggestion that she didn’t blow all her money on somewhere she’d have to leave when her contract expired in a few years. The decor had been a compromise too. Allison had at first wanted everything to be sleek and polished and minimalist, but when Renee started buying plants and paintings to fill the empty space, Allison realised it looked better this way.

When Matt and Dan figured out they were together, it had been a massive surprise to them. They hadn’t been able to work out how Allison ‘catty bitch’ Reynolds could be dating Renee ‘sweetheart’ Walker. They’d heard Renee’s story, but they’d never seen her scars, her tattoo. They didn’t understand the expression on her face when something triggered her, what to do on Renee’s bad days when the smile on her face was armour and her tongue a weapon.

Allison knew this intimately. She’d seen her and Andrew sparring, she’d seen the scars on her thighs, she’d seen Natalie Shields rearing her head behind the mask of Renee Walker.

The others didn't quite see the real Allison either, not the way Renee did. They couldn't peel back that asshole exterior to find the damaged girl beneath it all. That was Allison's fault, maybe. Her fault that she couldn't let them all the way in. All she knew was that it definitely was not Matt and Dan's fault.

Allison was a catty bitch, but with Renee, she was more than that. She could push past the voice in her head that told her to fuck everything up. She could just let herself be happy.

Matt and Dan loved Renee too, but not the same way Allison did. And they didn’t miss her the same way Allison did either, like she was missing a part of herself that had flown away to Ecuador with Renee, that she'd have to survive without until she was holding her close again.

Allison picked up her phone and dialled Renee’s number.

*

_ Day 26 _

"I love my host family!" Renee continued. "I really think I'm improving my Spanish too, even though I felt like I was pretty good when I left college."

"I'm happy for you babe," Allison said, and something in Renee's heart clenched. It didn't quite sound like it was Allison talking back at her.

"I miss you," Renee whispered, so quietly she wasn't sure the microphone on her phone had picked up her voice. 

"I miss you too."

Renee twirled a stand of her now-black hair between her fingers. Allison had dyed it back for her a few weeks before she left.  _ Blonde hair just won't be practical to maintain for two years, _ she'd said. Renee had almost had a panic attack the first time she'd seen it; it was closer to Natalie than she'd remembered. She'd pushed back the memories, tried to be stronger for it, and here she was. In Ecuador. Teaching English.

Joining the Peace Corps hadn't been in Renee's plan before college. She'd had no idea what to do with her life (and she still didn't) until someone in her Spanish class had mentioned it, and she'd been hooked on the idea. She'd never thought she'd miss Allison and the Foxes as much as she did. It wasn't like she'd missed her fellow gang members when she entered juvie and left all that behind.

"I watched your game on Wednesday," Renee said. "You were incredible."

Allison laughed, and whatever had been building in Renee's chest burned. "Thanks," she said, and Renee could hear the smile in her voice. "I know I'm a defensive dealer or whatever, but I keep getting Kevin's voice in my head telling me to go for glory. If I score, I score. I want to leave my mark, stir things up, you know?" 

Renee could imagine her lying on their bed, phone in hand. She wondered what she was wearing.

"Mm, and all that training's been paying off." 

Allison was silent for a moment, and all Renee could hear was her breathing, barely picked up by the microphone.

"There's this thing next Friday," Allison said slowly, "and I know I should want to go, but I don't."

"Al-"

"No, let me finish. I don't want to go because I miss you so bad. I know you never came to the stupid things, but I just feel like I don't belong there. I'm hardly friends with any of them. But I know I should go. I know I should try and get closer to them all. Just- just tell me I shouldn't go."

"Al," Renee said softly, and Allison sighed through the phone. "You  _ should  _ go. You'll never make friends with them if you don't try to spend time with them." She paused to let Allison try and argue, and when she stayed silent, continued. "Do it for me, or for yourself, or Coach. Or your teammates, 'cause we both know they're missing out." (Allison huffed a laugh, or maybe a sob.) "For whoever you like. Spend all evening sulking in a corner or go and socialise like we both know you can. Just try it."

"I love you so much," Allison said, and the lump was back in Renee's throat.

"I love you too," she said.

They were both silent for a few minutes, just listening to each other breathe. "It's only 774 days until I see you again," said Allison, and Renee's laugh turned into a strangled sob.

"I love you," she said again, more insistently, "and I'm gonna enjoy every second I'm out here in Ecuador. But I'm also gonna be counting down the days until it's over."

"You'd better have fun, babe," Allison said, and this time, Renee could hear the sadness in her voice. 

They both hung up at the same time, and Renee found herself alone.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Day 32 _

Others might have called her conceited, but Allison would describe herself as hot as fuck. She took a photo of herself in the dress she'd bought for the arrangement (long, tight, red) and sent it to Renee with the message:  _ ready to be the hottest person at this stupid event. _ Renee wouldn't get the chance to see it until later, but Allison imagined her rolling her eyes at the message. She'd reply with something snarky but sweet, like  _ confidence looks good on you _ or _l_ _ ove the dress, but who is it?  _ and Allison would miss her even more. 

Allison checked her immaculate makeup and put on her sparkly six inch heels, her own kind of armour against the world. Then, she left her apartment, got into her equally immaculate car (if you didn't look under the seats) and drove at breakneck speed to the venue.

She didn't think about how she'd get home when she got blackout drunk.

When she entered the front doors, she was one of the last of the Sirens to arrive. And she was one of the few without a plus one. She spotted Zarmina, who'd brought her boyfriend, sitting together with Alvarez and Laila, and stalked over to sit with them.

"Hey Allison," Laila said brightly, "I haven't seen you in ages. Renee not coming?"

Alvarez winced and avoided Allison's gaze. Allison tried to keep a vicious smile off her face.

"She's in Ecuador right now," she explained, trying for sweet but ending up bitter. "She's with the Peace Corps." 

Zarmina looked at Allison, obviously confused. She was definitely the easiest person to read on the team, one of the reasons Allison had befriended her. "Who's Renee?" she asked, screwing up her eyebrows.

Allison hesitated. It wasn't that she was ashamed of her relationship, it was that she was kinda afraid to talk about it. It didn't matter that there were two other queer women at the table; it mattered that reputation was everything to Allison and she didn't want to ruin it.

_ Now you're starting to sound like Kevin, _ she chided herself. "My girlfriend," she said, as nonchalantly as she could.

Realisation dawned on Zarmina's face. " _ That's  _ why you've been so on edge recently," she exclaimed. "Jason was being an asshole, he said it was just your personality." She blushed suddenly, as though she thought she'd said too much. 

Allison shrugged. "I'm used to people thinking I'm a catty bitch," she said, like it didn't hurt to admit it.

Zarmina frowned sympathetically. "How long will she be gone?"

"Two years," muttered Allison, and was filled with the overwhelming desire to get up and leave. She'd come here to forget about how much she missed Renee, not be reminded of it constantly. 

Zarmina seemed to realise Allison didn't want to talk about it - maybe she was giving off those standoffish vibes again - and turned to her plus one. "This is my boyfriend, Yousef." He gave a self conscious little wave and an awkward smile. "He's a university lecturer, he teaches art."

The next few hours passed more quickly than Allison had expected. Maybe that was because Zarmina and Yousef gave her all the wine they got served, even after telling the waiters they didn't drink. (Luckily, Alvarez drank Laila's wine, otherwise Allison might have ended up needing her stomach pumped.) Maybe it was just because all of the Sirens were nicer people than she gave them credit for. She was having a good enough time that she'd forgotten about the picture of her outfit she'd sent Renee, and it was a surprise when her phone buzzed and a message from Renee appeared on the screen.

_ Looking sexy, can I have a picture of you next?  _ it read. Allison felt a burst of pride that she'd guessed so accurately what Renee would say.

_ Ha ha,  _ she responded.  _ I love you too. _

_ Have fun at the dinner xx _

Allison's heart was full. She felt a smile spread across her face, a genuine one. It had been 33 days since she'd last been this happy (not that she was counting), and she'd gotten drunk plenty of times since then, so it definitely wasn't the wine speaking.

She could do this. She'd be okay. They'd make it through the next two years and come out the other side stronger than ever.

And, luckily for them, Allison had a shit ton of money to blow on expensive flights to Quito to surprise Renee. 

*

_ Day 75 _

Monday had become Renee's favourite day. For most, it signified the first day of a hellish working week, but for her, it meant middle school. (As in she helped teach middle school students English. Not as in going back to middle school; that would be her idea of hell.) 

Renee loved children. Not in an I-want-children way, but in a children-are-awesome way. They could be hilarious and endearing and sometimes they just gave really good advice without meaning to. Plus, teaching a language to kids made her think of her own Spanish lessons at school. It had been the first time she'd ever excelled at anything outside of sport. 

School had been difficult for Renee. When she was little, her teachers had misinterpreted her restlessness as bad behaviour and had punished her for it. As she passed into her teens, her behaviour had become willfully unruly. She'd brought knives to class, picked fights with older kids and even teachers. Before she was arrested, she'd been a finger's breadth from failing all her classes every year she could remember.

When she was 14, her Spanish teacher had convinced her to get tested for ADHD. The diagnosis hadn't helped her much then, but she realised how much it really meant after she got out of juvie, when she started caring about her grades. At 14, Spanish had been the only class she got higher than a C in, and that was only partially because she respected her teacher enough to make an effort.

Almost more than anything else, she wanted her kids to love her classes the same way she'd loved her Spanish classes as a kid.

(More than anything except seeing Allison again. Holding Allison in her arms again. Kissing Allison again.)

But she wasn't supposed to be thinking about Allison. Not while she was teaching.

It had been strange at first to talk about English grammar. It was one of those things you didn't really notice or understand before you learnt a new language, before you learned the names for all these phenomenons you hadn't even realised existed. Conjugation, tenses, word order, cases, prepositions. Little differences you almost forgot about when you spoke the language well enough that you focused more about what sounded right than grammar.

It hadn't occurred to her that she'd come out of this experience with a better understanding of her own native language. Or a need to learn to read and write Hmong, not just understand it, even though it had been years since she'd lived with her mother or even known anyone else who spoke it.

Renee had to admit, teaching gave her a weird sense of fulfillment that she hadn't known she could feel until a few months ago. It gave her a secret dream, a goal for her future that she'd never considered before. 

What if she became a teacher?


	3. Chapter 3

_ Day 112  _

"Good luck, Al," Renee said, "you're gonna smash the Falcons. You deserve to, the amount of work you’ve been putting in."

"Thanks for the confidence," Allison replied, her phone cradled between her ear and her shoulder. Her hands were currently occupied with opening her bag and pulling out the Sirens' black-on-red away kit. It was the first game of the Exy Cup, the inter-league knockout tournament that lasted six weeks and that Allison wanted to win more than anything else. "You'll be watching?"

"Of course! Expect a match report from me when you win…" Renee was laughing down the phone.

"I love you," Allison said, and she could hear the anticipation in her own voice.

"Love you too."

Allison hung up, put her phone into her bag, and started to get dressed. This was her favourite ritual before the game, hearing the anxious silence in the locker room devolve into its normal ruckus. Putting on her armour and feeling unstoppable.

Exy gear was like a second skin to her now. She'd been playing this game for so much of her life that she didn't know how she'd survive without it. For a moment, she thought of her mother's disapproving face the first time she'd caught her playing Exy. Her coach's worry when she'd passed out in the middle of a game. Her father's rage when she told him about Palmetto.

But that was all behind her. All that mattered right now was facing the Nashville Falcons on the court and beating the shit out of them. Allison knew they were gonna win.

*

The Sirens won. Of course they won; the Falcons were tenth in the Eastern Conference and falling fast. That didn't stop Allison from pumping her fist in the air and running to Zarmina in goal to give her a crushing hug.

"Two goals! Just two!" she said, ecstatic, pulling off her helmet. A smile split her face. 

"I expect nothing less from you," Allison said, with a matching grin. "You're the best goalie in the Western Conference, hands down."

Zarmina blushed. Before she had time to say anything else, the rest of the team descended on them.

When Allison was showered and dressed (impeccably, as though she hadn't just run herself ragged on the court), she checked her phone. Three unread messages from Renee.

_ #9 is an absolute asshole and should have been sent off for that foul! _

_ Wow Hassim is an incredible goalie, that was an impossible save _

_ Congratulations! I knew you were gonna win xxx _

The Foxes' group chat was also full of messages congratulating her on her victory. Dan's team, Atlanta EC, had already won their first game and were excited for the next one. 

Allison couldn’t let herself dream about winning the Exy Cup in her first professional season. She knew it wasn’t going to happen; the Sirens were only ranked third in the Western Conference. It wasn’t going to happen, but that didn't stop her from wanting it. 

*

_ Day 183  _

Over the holidays, Renee's timetable had changed dramatically. As it was the school holidays, she was running courses for teachers twice a week rather than teaching the kids herself. 

It was New Year's Eve, and Renee was using her spare time to sightsee. She'd been so exhausted during the school year that, even though she'd been in Quito for six months, she'd hardly had time to see any of the city.

Renee's phone buzzed.

_ Have you heard of Parque La Alameda?  _ Allison had messaged.

_ Yeah, but I haven't been  _

_ How long would it take you to get there? _

Renee frowned and pulled up Google Maps on her phone.  _ 15 minutes. Why? _

_ Don't worry, _ was Allison's reply. _ Can you go there now? _

_ Why? _

_ Just looks like a beautiful place. _

Renee shook her head, confused, but complied, catching the next bus. Allison had been out of sorts since the Sirens had crashed out of the Exy Cup in their third game against opponents they should have beaten. If you asked Renee, it was because they’d all felt the pressure playing against long-term rivals, the Austin Rovers, and the defence had gone to shit. Thea and Sara were both injured and the substitute backliners hadn't had enough game time to properly click with the team. Allison and Hassim (who she’d been informed preferred to be called Zarmina) couldn’t hold their own against the Rovers’ talented strikers when their backliners had forgotten how to hold their rackets and couldn’t pass to each other without arguing about it. Maybe that was just Renee’s bias coming through. Every time she watched an Exy game, she couldn’t help but focus on the defence and critique their every weakness, even if they were actually pretty decent. As a goalie, it was her natural instinct.

Finally, Renee arrived at La Alameda. It was a lovely park, for sure, even if it was incredibly busy. Renee had missed peace and quiet since she'd left the States, and it was unfortunately just as manic in this park as everywhere else in Quito. She looked down at her phone and sent another irritated message to Allison, asking why she was trying to waste her time.

_ Look up. _

Renee huffed. She was getting seriously annoyed at Allison now for making her come to this random park when she'd had other plans for today. It was ridiculous, sending her around the city as though she had infinite time on her hands. Rolling her eyes, she looked up- 

There, on the other side of the path, was Allison.

Renee blinked hard. This couldn't be happening; there was no way Allison had flown out from Houston to come visit her. But her eyes weren't deceiving her. Allison was actually there. Renee ran full pelt at her.

"You're here!" she whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around Allison like she was never going to let go. Allison rested her chin on Renee's head and squeezed her just as hard back.

"My flight back is on the 2nd," she said quietly. “I didn't want to take up too much of your time, and Coach wants us back training with four weeks to spare before the first game of the season."

Renee pulled back a little so she could see Allison's face. Her hair was messy and her eyeliner smudged. 

"I couldn't not visit," Allison confessed, "I had this big dream of coming and kissing you for New Year's."

"What about now?" asked Renee, tucking a strand of hair behind Allison's ear with a coy smile.

"In public?" said Allison, biting her lip.

"I'm pretty sure everyone's already figured out we're a couple," said Renee with a shrug, hooking her arms over Allison's shoulders.

Without hesitation, Allison leaned down and captured Renee's lips with hers. 

God, Renee had missed this. Allison's arms around her, the smell of her perfume, the feel of her lips. At last, she pulled away, unable to stop smiling.

"I'm gonna miss you so much more when you leave again," Renee muttered.

"Gotta make the most of it then," Allison said, stealing another kiss. "I've booked a hotel room already."

"What are you implying?" Renee pressed a hand to her chest, acting scandalised.

"You know  _ exactly _ what I'm implying, babe, let's not scandalise the poor bystanders who've had to watch us."

Renee laughed, pressing her forehead into Allison's shoulder. "Let's go, then," she said, and intertwined her and Allison's fingers. "And I _don't_ want to know how much this room costs."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for description of Allison's eating disorder. Skip to Renee's section to avoid.

_ Day 295  _

It had started so gradually that Allison hadn't noticed it. She supposed it was from the stress of her first full season with the team, her string of awful performances, including an important game two months ago. Whatever the reason, she couldn't deny it any more.

She had relapsed.

At first, it had just been that she'd forget to eat breakfast before heading to training and she'd tell herself it was fine, an easy mistake to make, an excuse for her poor performance. Then, she started to arrive home too tired to make dinner and she'd fall asleep on an empty stomach.

Allison didn't tell anyone that she was struggling. The others had started looking at her with pity in training again, like they could see her poor performance, but not past it. Now, when she got home, she'd started to eat all the food she could find. She'd eat until her stomach hurt, and then she'd throw it all up again and fall asleep sobbing into her pillows.

It hadn't been happening every day, but it was happening often enough that Allison knew she should seek help. She had Betsy's number on her phone, and she knew from firsthand experience how good she was at her job. But she didn't know if she could take the shame of telling Betsy that it had started happening again. That the pressure in high school was nothing like the pressure she was feeling as a professional athlete and that her old coping mechanisms weren't working anymore.

Surprisingly, it was Wright who noticed it first. They weren't as close as she was with some of the other members of the team, but they were both dealers and they shared some kind of strange companionship. They had an unspoken agreement to look out for each other in training, even if they were never on court together in competitive games.

After practice, before she could enter the locker room, he pulled her aside and took her outside to the smoking area.

He didn't look at her with pity in his eyes. He just looked at her, blankly, like he could see straight through her. "What's happening, Allison?" he asked quietly.

Allison couldn't quite meet his gaze. She just shrugged and focused on the ground by her feet.

"Normally, you're incredible, but every time I check you now, it's like you barely have the strength to stay standing. And your stamina's all screwed up as well. You don't even look us in the eyes anymore either, don't think I haven't noticed."

Hot shame crawled up Allison's neck into her throat. She couldn't say anything, couldn't look up and prove to Wright that she was fine. She just looked at the floor and let the tears building up behind her eyes spill over.

Wright pulled her into a hug, his cheek clashing with her forehead. He was taller than she was, but only by an inch or two, and their bodies didn’t quite fit right together. But he was warm and comforting, and Allison let herself cry until she didn't have any tears left. Then, she pulled away, wiped her eyes, and tried to explain.

"When I was younger, I had a lot of pressure from my parents not to let Exy change me. You know, how I looked, how skinny I was, how muscular I was. I didn't think I'd kept that mentality, but I guess it was embedded a lot deeper than I thought it was."

"I've struggled with pressure a lot too," Wright admitted. Now, he couldn't meet Allison's gaze either. "People who thought I didn't put enough effort in, that I weighed too much to be a dealer. I've struggled a lot with my mental health, so I understand what you're going through." He hesitated, then pulled out his phone. "I'll text you the details of my therapist, if you want, she's great. If she were here, she'd say like ''relapsing is part of the process', I dunno."

Allison smiled slowly, a genuine smile, not the mask she liked to hide behind. "Thanks," she said softly, "I really appreciate it."

Wright smiled tentatively back. "The hardest part is telling people about it."

After a while, he went back inside, leaving Allison alone to mull in her thoughts. Maybe Wright was right. (She laughed to herself at that.) She  _ should _ talk to Betsy or the therapist Wright had recommended. And she  _ should  _ talk to Renee about it.

*

_ Day 340  _

It hadn't been easy, but Renee had finally found a sparring partner. The gym she went to three times a week often held martial arts nights, and one evening, she had accidentally joined in. The classes were too structured for her liking (the instructor hadn't been too pleased by Renee's unruly style) and she'd been the only woman in the gym the two times she'd gone. However, she had walked away with a new friend.

Mateo Moreira would have reminded Renee of Andrew if he wasn't 6'2", black, and one of the most cheerful people she'd ever met. In fact, the only similarities were how broad his shoulders were and his tendency to keep knives on his person. He was also the only member of the martial arts class who didn't mind getting his ass kicked by Renee on a weekly basis.

Mateo peeled himself up off the floor, still grinning despite having been thrown over Renee's shoulder twenty seconds before. "Again!" he said, moving into a ready position. He'd learned not to try and strike first; she was strong and nimble enough to spin out of the way and flip him over whatever body part she wanted. Instead he circled her slowly, waiting for her move.

Renee struck like a viper. They had an unspoken agreement to avoid the face, so her first fist hit his forearm, and her second slipped through to hit his chest.

They danced around each other for the first few minutes, both too tired from their previous fights to attempt anything too adventurous. Whenever Renee struck, Mateo managed to block. If Mateo tried, Renee evaded and immediately counterattacked.

Then, after a weak swipe at Renee’s legs, Mateo let down his guard. Renee sent a well-placed kick to his side, then spun round and knocked his feet out from underneath him. Due to his height and weight, Mateo always went down like a rock. This time, however, his flailing fist struck Renee in the face.

She'd experienced more than her fair share of hits to the face. Her whole life in Detroit had been built on playing dirty, and no one there had cared if she had visible bruises. In fact, it had been more unusual for her to be walking around  _ without _ some kind of damage to her face. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

Renee cursed in English, not something she made a habit out of. She touched her upper lip, her hand coming away wet with blood. She grimaced. There would be one hell of a bruise later.

Mateo sprung to his feet, apologising profusely. His hands went to her face.

"No, no, don't worry," said Renee, stepping quickly away from him. "It's a part of the experience. I expected it to happen at least once."

He didn't look convinced, but stayed away regardless. "I'm sorry," he said again, the cheerfulness gone. "Maybe we should stop."

Renee nodded, and stepped to the side of the mat to pick up her water bottle. "I'll be fine, don't worry," she said gently. "This kind of stuff happens. It's not your fault."

"Same time next week?" Mateo asked, still looking uncertain.

"Of course," Renee said with a bright smile. She stepped up to Mateo and gave him a brief hug, rubbing his back to soothe him. "See you then." 

She turned, grabbed her towel and bag, and made her way back to the changing room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again a slight TW for references to an eating disorder.

_ Day 377  _

Today would be the day, Allison decided. She'd been putting it off every time she called Renee, irrationally afraid that Renee would break up with her or something like that. Allison knew Renee, though, and that wasn't going to happen. She just had to bite the bullet, explain what had been going on, and not let her tendency to fuck things up get the better of her.

Easier said than done.

At 9pm on the dot, Allison's phone started ringing. She'd never quite been able to rid herself of the fear that Renee was calling to deliver bad news, and she hated herself for it.  _ Not everything is about you _ , she reminded herself, before taking a deep breath and answering the phone.

Renee still hadn't been able to wrestle the WiFi in her host's house into submission, so for now, they had to call without seeing each other's faces. It had been difficult enough for Allison, and she didn't have the attention span of a goldfish.

"Hey, babe," she said, trying to ignore the fact that her heart was racing and her hands were shaking so badly that she was worried she might drop the phone. She put it on loudspeaker and set it down in her lap. 

"Hey," Renee answered, sounding exhausted. Allison's heart sunk.

"Bad day?" she asked. She didn't know if she should tell Renee about her problems if she had her own to worry about. Or was she just finding another excuse to avoid talking about it?

"Awful day," mumbled Renee. "What about you?"

"Fine," Allison said, and immediately regretted it. "Why, what happened?"

Allison couldn't concentrate on Renee's voice. She was too busy worrying about how to tell her about her relapse. It had built up into this massive secret that she hadn't even realised she'd been keeping, and she didn't know how to start talking about it now. Betsy and Wright had both given her advice on how to bring it up, but she couldn’t stop the anxiety from making her feel hot and shaky.

"Al? Are you even listening to me?" Renee sounded decidedly not like herself. Allison wondered idly if she was always this angry and frustrated under her calm exoskeleton. Or if this was Natalie rearing her head after a rough day.

"I- yeah, I- I- I'm sorry." Allison gritted her teeth and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm being an asshole. Carry on."

"What? No, of course you're not! What's going on?" Renee sounded normal again, all sweet and gentle. Suddenly, Allison’s anxiety disappeared and was replaced by anger. There was no way Renee's frustration had just dissipated, and it wasn't okay to make her repress it like that. 

Allison couldn't take it anymore.

"No, you know what," she snapped, "this isn't fucking fair. I'm not being fair to you." She shook her head, angry tears welling up in her eyes and threatening to spill over. "You're not my fucking therapist or whatever, I can't- fuck, I'm sorry."

She hung up and pressed her face into her knees. Almost as soon as she put it down, the phone started ringing again. Without thinking, Allison picked it up and threw it at the wall. The screen cracked, but the ringing didn't stop.

*

_ Day 388  _

Deep down, underneath all her layers of hard-earned control, Renee was worried. And even deeper down than that, she was actually pissed off. Her and Allison had had a pact from well before they had started dating that they would  _ always _ tell each other what was wrong. So what could have happened to Allison that she couldn't bring herself to talk to Renee about? That was so bad that she'd left her on read for over a week and wouldn't answer her calls?

Renee was sitting in a meeting listening to one of the leaders droning away about teaching, some new idea for how to approach teaching tenses or something like that. Her focus was all over the place, and all the techniques that various therapists had given her to help her concentrate had gone out the window. All she could think about were various disaster scenarios ranging from Allison having cheated on her to cancer.

From her pocket, Renee's phone buzzed and the leader shot her an irritated look. She blushed, and ignored her phone. When it buzzed for the second time, she picked it up to put it on silent, then froze.

_ this is zarmina please call _

_ allison's in hospital _

Renee stood up, her chair grating against the floor, and everyone turned to look at her. "I'm sorry," she choked out. She thought she might throw up. "Family emergency." She grabbed her bag and rushed out of the meeting, down the stairs, and out of the front of the building. The phone was ringing and against her ear before she even registered pressing the button.

"Hello?" she gasped, her heart thudding against her chest.

"Hi, it’s Zarmina," said a calm voice, too loud against her ear. "I don't know if you were watching, but-"

"I wasn't," snapped Renee, sharper than she'd intended, "I was at work."

"She's okay," Zarmina said gently. "Their dealer fouled her pretty badly, she's got a concussion and a broken arm. She just came out of surgery a few minutes ago."

Renee let out a shaky breath. "She's okay," she repeated, forcing herself to unclench her hands. If her nails had been longer, the little white crescents on her palm would have been welling up with blood.

"Adam and I are looking after her," Zarmina said. "But I've got to get home now, so I'll pass you to him."

"Thank you," Renee whispered. Her heart was still thumping against her chest, but she wasn't shaking anymore and the contents of her stomach were staying firmly put.

"Goodbye," said Zarmina. "Oh actually, I just wanted to say that I've heard so much about you and I can't wait to meet you when you come back!"

"You too," said Renee with an attempt at a smile. "Allison speaks very highly of you."

"Aw, thanks," said Zarmina, and Renee could imagine her grinning round the phone. "Bye!"

Heavy static came from their side, and then a gruff voice with a southern accent said: "Hi, I'm Adam."

Renee scrunched up her nose, struggling to remember who he was. "What position do you play?" she asked at last, feeling guilty.

"Offensive dealer," he said wryly, and Renee blushed brightly.

"Oh," she said, wincing, "Wright. Adam Wright."

"That's right," he said, and Renee groaned at the pun.

They lapsed into a slightly awkward silence for a moment, then rustling and static came from Wright's end. There was some talking that she couldn't make out, and then Wright brought the phone to his ear again.

"She's awake now, if you want to talk to her." He said it like he knew that they'd had an argument. Like he knew what was going on with Allison.

Renee ignored the ridiculous spike of jealousy rising in her, and Wright passed the phone back to Allison.

"Hey, babe," she said, and she sounded exhausted.

"Are you okay?" 

"Fit as a fiddle," Allison said, her voice hoarse. 

Renee snorted. She sat down cross-legged on the ground, overcome by a sudden wave of relief that Allison was alright.

"Okay, maybe not," Allison amended. Then, she sighed. Renee imagined her chewing her lip the way she did when she was worried or stressed or nervous. "Look, I'm sorry. I just felt like a fuck-up. It's not your fault at all."

"What's happened, Al?" asked Renee, trying to stop her voice from shaking and not quite succeeding.

Allison explained everything. That she hadn't seen it coming, that she hadn't known what to do. That she was talking to Betsy again, and slowly, _slowly_ , it was getting better.

"Is Wright looking after you?" Renee said softly.

"Yeah," Allison said, "he's here. He's really helped me with this. He's the one who convinced me to talk to Betsy again."

Renee nodded, even though Allison was half the world away and couldn't see it.  "You've got this," she said at last. "I can't tell you the number of times I've relapsed. Even since Palmetto."

They'd talked about this a million times before. There had been so many times at college when one of them had had a bad day and the other had been there for them. But Renee didn't know how to help now, not being there in person.

"I'm glad you've made friends with the Sirens," she said. "Zarmina and Wright seem lovely."

"They are, but I can't wait to meet up with the Foxes again," Allison said conspiratorially. Then she groaned. "Look, I don't think I'm up to any more talking today. I'm gonna hand you back to Wright if that's okay. I love you."

"Love you too," Renee said, smiling until her cheeks hurt. She thought of the three days they'd spent together at New Year's. Three days spent in each other's arms before Allison had to leave again. 

Allison passed the phone back to Wright. Renee started to miss her the second he took the phone. 

"Don't worry," he said, his voice unbelievably gentle. "I'll take care of her."

"Okay," said Renee, and an ache bloomed in her chest. "I'll hold you to that."

He laughed. "Cross my heart."

Renee hung up and clenched her phone tightly in her hand. Everything was going to be fine.


	6. Chapter 6

_ Day 514  _

Allison's dream had come true. The Houston Sirens were facing Atlanta EC in the Exy Cup final, and that meant the Foxes were sitting in the audience cheering her and Dan on.

Neither team had won the league. The bookies had predicted the Knights or the Vipers to win the Cup, the winners of the Eastern and Western Conferences respectively.

Now, they'd decided it would be Atlanta.

Allison wasn't so sure. She'd place Zarmina far ahead of Atlanta's goalie, Woods, on skill and experience. She had been called up to Court for their most recent international game, though she'd sat on the bench the whole time. Plus, they had Thea, another Court player. The Atlanta strikers were definitely better than the Sirens' though; one of them was Court, and another was an international player for Brazil. And although her and Dan were both dealers, their strengths were completely different, with Dan preferring to outsmart her mark and Allison having the speed and stamina to outrun them at every turn.

It had only been a couple months since she'd been allowed to train with the team again, not in time for the end of the season. She'd played in every Cup game and was feeling better than ever. She'd been eating healthily, having weekly sessions with Betsy, and somehow everything was falling into place.

Maybe Allison was foolish to hope they could win.

She started the game on the bench as Coach Raja had decided to play offensive from the get go. It wasn't unexpected; she'd started most of her games here and tended to just play the second half unless they were playing against particularly offensively-minded opponents or Wright was injured. 

The whistle blew, and Dan, in her outrageously pink Atlanta kit (Allison thought she may have accepted their offer as the kit reminded her of the Foxes' own garish orange) passed the ball to one of her strikers.

Allison hadn't watched many of Dan's games since they'd graduated and they'd only played each other once, but she was blown away by how much she had improved. Especially for someone who had plans to retire before hitting 30 to take up a coaching position. She knew exactly who to pass to and when, spun past Wright with ease, and read the court better than Allison had thought she could. It was no surprise when Atlanta scored the first goal after five minutes, and almost a second two minutes later. Zarmina's incredible reflexes were the only thing that saved them from the humiliation.

Allison turned to face Coach, who was shaking her head and pacing up and down next to the plexiglass. "Put me on," she said, insistently. "I played with Wilds for five years at Palmetto, and Wright's our weak link right now. He doesn't know how to play smart, just brutal. If he doesn’t think tactically, we’ll be fucked before half time."

Coach looked at her for a second, just as Atlanta scored their second goal in the tenth minute. She sighed, and ushered Allison to the doors.

Allison was on court and Wright off before they reset, and Atlanta took the chance to sub off an injured striker. Dan met Allison with a brief hug.

"We're gonna kick your ass, Reynolds," she said around a huge smile, and Allison flashed her a grin in return before turning and serving back to Zarmina. She was past Dan and the ball back in her net in an instant.

This was where Allison felt most alive, this was what she'd sacrificed everything for. Exy was her lifeline, and there was no way she'd let anything get in her way.

After a long, tense struggle, the Sirens won 5-4. One of those goals was Dan's, another Allison's. Both of them found their way to the Foxes in the stands as soon as they could. Matt swept Dan into a bear hug (his team had been beaten in the fourth round and he'd ended up sitting on the sidelines supporting Dan), and Andrew and Neil faced off with Allison. Kevin wasn't there (he had probably gone to find Thea and congratulate her somewhere in private), Nicky was in Germany, and Aaron couldn’t take a day off school. The new Foxes were there too, but they were arguing amongst themselves about something Allison couldn’t quite make out.

"Good game," Andrew said shortly. He showed Allison the latest text he'd received from Renee, a few lines of congratulation and a reminder to check her phone as soon as she could. Allison gave Andrew a haughty nod and a lopsided smile.

"What do you think of our goalie?" she asked.

Andrew shrugged. "Better than the shambles in Atlanta's goal," he said, and Dan laughed behind him.

"Maybe we'll sign you when you go pro, huh Andrew? Then we might win the Cup."

Matt engulfed Allison in a hug next, so tightly that she almost couldn't breathe. "Man you were so good, Allison," he babbled. "If you don't make Court it will be a goddamn travesty."

Later that evening, Allison sent Renee a photo that she'd got from Coach of the team gathered together and spraying champagne everywhere. Thea (as captain) and Coach were holding the trophy looking fiercely proud, and Allison was hugging Zarmina and Alvarez tightly, all of their mouths wide open in a soundless cheer.

Renee's reply was bittersweet. _ I wish I could have been there to see it _ .

*

_ Day 614  _

Before Renee had graduated, her and Andrew had come to an agreement. The first Monday of every month, she'd come visit him so they could spar and catch up. It was the perfect agreement for both of them; Renee was the only person Andrew trusted enough to spar with, and Andrew was the only person Renee trusted enough to give her good advice.

Now, while Renee was away with the Peace Corps, they'd decided to call each other instead. They hadn't missed a month yet, a miracle considering how busy the pair of them were.

Andrew picked up the phone after one ring. "Hi Renee," he said. He sounded tired, but as though he was trying to hide it.

"Hey," she answered, knowing he'd think the same about her. "How was February?"

He grunted. "It was February. Your lot came to visit after their first games this season. The freshmen are still little shits."

Renee grinned. She was glad the Upperclassmen had gone to visit, even if she’d known they always would. Dan loved Coach too much, and Matt couldn’t resist an opportunity to visit Neil. She wondered if Allison had felt left out.

"How was your February?" Andrew continued.

"On the weekends, my host family has been taking me on hikes and it's gorgeous here. I'll send you photos."

There was silence for a moment. Renee would bet anything that Andrew knew there was something else she wanted to say and was giving her time to find the words.

"Before you decided to go pro," she began hesitantly, "did you ever think about teaching?" The idea had been weighing on her mind more and more, especially when she was supposed to be focused on other things. Her time in Ecuador was coming to an end and she needed some kind of plan for life afterwards.

"What makes you think I will go pro?"

"The way you play," she said. She'd been watching the Foxes' games as well as Allison's when she had the time, and recently, Andrew had been better than ever. It was as though he'd finally accepted that Exy could be his future if he wanted it. "You were incredible from the beginning of course, but… now I'm surprised Coach ever gives your sub a chance."

Andrew scoffed. It was as much of a 'thank you' as Renee would get. "Yeah," he admitted, quietly enough that she almost thought she'd imagined it. "I will go pro. But what I'm wondering is why you want to know about teaching."

"Being here," Renee said with a shrug that she knew he couldn’t see, "it's made me think about my future. I don't want to do another mission on my own, but I think I do want to keep teaching."

Andrew was silent for a moment. Renee imagined him sitting on the couch in his room, Neil sitting next to him. She wondered what Allison was doing at that moment, if she was at training or maybe spending time with the other Sirens.

"If you enjoy it, you should do it," he said, as though it were that easy. But sometimes, his black and white attitude was exactly what Renee needed.

"Thanks for the advice," she said, smiling. "How's Neil? Did you guys do anything for Valentine's Day?"

"Mouthing off to everyone who will listen to him," said Andrew, and Renee heard a faint noise of protest in the background. "Particularly the freshmen. We went to Sweetie's and then Eden’s Twilight." A couple years ago, Andrew wouldn't have mentioned any of that to Renee. He used to only give cryptic details until she stopped asking. He'd come a long way since then. "Allison?"

Renee didn't know how to encompass everything she was feeling about Allison. No matter what she said, it wouldn't be enough for him to understand how hard it had been. 

"I miss her so much," she said at last. She said a variation of those words almost every time Andrew asked, but he still asked her every time. There was nothing else she could say that he would want to hear.  _ I miss her so much that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can't fall asleep again. I miss her so much that sometimes, I just can't breathe. _

"You'll get through it," Andrew said matter-of-factly. He'd been the first one to figure out that Renee was in love with Allison. The first one to figure out that they'd started dating. He'd won a lot of money with that bet. "You know she would never let long distance come in between the two of you. Not long left now, anyway."

A grin spread across Renee's face. "That means a lot to me," she said honestly.

Andrew let her wallow for a moment. Then, tired of the heartfelt conversation: "Have you had the time to go to the gym recently? What are the chances of my beating your ass next time we spar?"


End file.
